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things I have learned
Sep. 10th, 2003 11:41 pmOne of the things I was told by the counsellor I was seeing a couple of years ago was that people don't care why you do things, just that you either do them or don't do them, depending.
This has been a really helpful thing to know. I've used this knowledge most often when being scolded for things. The first and most important thing, if you've been doing something and are being told or asked not to, is to say, "I won't do it again." Explaining why can come later, assuming you're asked. It's okay to say, "do you want to know why?" Starting off with "...but I'm only doing it because..." and launching into an explanation doesn't help. Somebody has asked you to do something or not do something, and either you do it or you don't. Everything else is secondary to that.
This sounded really callous to me when she explained it-- "But what if you have a good reason?" Well, sure, you have a good reason. It gets blurry. You say, "Look, can I explain it?" Then you're talking about things, and a discussion can happen. But if it's something that somebody feels strongly about, you say, "Okay, I'll try and do better," and do so.
This tactic has served me well, and I don't think people would say that I've exactly caved in to gross manipulation, or suppressed my personality beneath the wishes of other people or whatever. It's just been a good, workable way to handle lots of situations. Like most of these sorts of interpersonal behaviors, of course, it's up for interpretation and must be adjusted to each situation. It's a good start, though, especially with people you want to be on good terms with, like friends or co-workers.
"Can you please not do that? That bugs me."
"Okay."
It's not so tough. It's extra-important when people are distressed for some reason. Are they freaking out? Do you think it's weird that they are? Don't tell them that-- that never works. Then you're telling somebody how they should be feeling, or that they're wrong for feeling what they're feeling. That's the worst thing you can do. That'll piss ME off, and I'm pretty laid-back about a lot of things.
I should probably say something like, "Your milage may vary," or something to imply that things work differently for different people, and probably they do, but, as rules of thumb, these are good places to start.
I wish I'd been online more today. I missed a bunch of stuff that I might have been able to help with.
Note that it's midnight, and I've been here since 9:30am. I feel like crap, I've missed an evening I was totally looking forward to, and I came back to find that I'd missed a lot of things I wish I'd been more available for. I'll help people sort things out if they want, but not until I've rested. I don't know if I can help, anyway.
Time to go home and go to sleep.
This has been a really helpful thing to know. I've used this knowledge most often when being scolded for things. The first and most important thing, if you've been doing something and are being told or asked not to, is to say, "I won't do it again." Explaining why can come later, assuming you're asked. It's okay to say, "do you want to know why?" Starting off with "...but I'm only doing it because..." and launching into an explanation doesn't help. Somebody has asked you to do something or not do something, and either you do it or you don't. Everything else is secondary to that.
This sounded really callous to me when she explained it-- "But what if you have a good reason?" Well, sure, you have a good reason. It gets blurry. You say, "Look, can I explain it?" Then you're talking about things, and a discussion can happen. But if it's something that somebody feels strongly about, you say, "Okay, I'll try and do better," and do so.
This tactic has served me well, and I don't think people would say that I've exactly caved in to gross manipulation, or suppressed my personality beneath the wishes of other people or whatever. It's just been a good, workable way to handle lots of situations. Like most of these sorts of interpersonal behaviors, of course, it's up for interpretation and must be adjusted to each situation. It's a good start, though, especially with people you want to be on good terms with, like friends or co-workers.
"Can you please not do that? That bugs me."
"Okay."
It's not so tough. It's extra-important when people are distressed for some reason. Are they freaking out? Do you think it's weird that they are? Don't tell them that-- that never works. Then you're telling somebody how they should be feeling, or that they're wrong for feeling what they're feeling. That's the worst thing you can do. That'll piss ME off, and I'm pretty laid-back about a lot of things.
I should probably say something like, "Your milage may vary," or something to imply that things work differently for different people, and probably they do, but, as rules of thumb, these are good places to start.
I wish I'd been online more today. I missed a bunch of stuff that I might have been able to help with.
Note that it's midnight, and I've been here since 9:30am. I feel like crap, I've missed an evening I was totally looking forward to, and I came back to find that I'd missed a lot of things I wish I'd been more available for. I'll help people sort things out if they want, but not until I've rested. I don't know if I can help, anyway.
Time to go home and go to sleep.