something I wrote
Oct. 26th, 2007 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
solipsistnationI was thinking about stuff I'd written, and thought I'd post a thing here that I mailed to a mailing list a while back, to amuse people who might not have seen it and to blatantly troll for compliments archive it for posterity .
(1) TEAOLOGY
That branch of metaphysics which concerns itself with the problems of the
nature of warm liquids typically consumed with breakfast or in the late
afternoon.
(2) Imagine a deep grey morning sky, almost blue but so grey that no
individual clouds are distinguishable. The earth may be rolling in its path
around the sun but no single source of illumination can be determined using
the cues provided by the sky. The undergrads awaken slowly, the grad
students add more lines to their dissertations, the faculty heave and
grumble in their unheated offices, and in the IT building electrons race
through channels carved in silicon and email is delivered, web sites are
viewed, and molecules are simulated in subatomic detail.
(3) Joshua Brandt thinks of his nose as too thin, although several women have
cherished it. The nose is long and performs a well-calculated geometric
curve, the arch of which is almost invisible from a distance but which
becomes obvious when observed from an intimate closeness; his name is
German; in grade school he was very bad at almost all sports, and, besides
being chosen last for the teams, was always made to play the most remote or
ineffectual of roles; he loves music best of all the arts, and of music,
Eno, Brian; he lives in Worcester, though he grew up in Oregon.
(4) BREAKFAST TIME IN FULLER LABS ON INSTITUTE ROAD, WORCESTER,
MASSACHUSETTS, THE SYSADMIN DEMANDS TEA
With bleary anticipation, Joshua Brandt dishes out a teaspoon of leaves into
his cup, already feeling the gentle buzz of caffeine and theophylline, the
comfortable drift of the day's tasks into focus. The kettle is a squat white
plastic object with no power switch which sometimes reminds Joshua of a
medical device. One cup.
(5) If one can imagine it considered as an abstract object, by members of a
totally separate culture, one can see that the electric kettle might seem a
beautiful thing. The hollow cylinder is nearly seamless and classical in
proportions. Its base is disproportionately heavy and conceals a heating
element. The cord is roughly three feet long and enters beneath the handle.
The lid flips up, inside is as smooth and white as outside. In the middle of
the bottom surface is a disc of metal covered with teflon or a similar
non-stick coating, upon which, when the kettle is filled and plugged in,
bubbles form and break free as the contents boil.
(6) There is one marking on the outside of the kettle, the words "Kitchen
Gourmet" embellished with the silhouette of a wooden spoon. This kettle was
acquired for less than five dollars at a pharmacy, it is unlikely that any
actual gourmets would consider using it.
(7) A notice embossed on the surface of the kettle states that liquids must
not be allowed to boil dry within it. So far this notice has been obeyed.
(8) The bottom of the kettle is embossed with safety and voltage
information. This kettle has been tested by the Underwriters' Laboratories
and was found to be safe for household use within the United States.
Markings in German imply that similar testing was done for international
markets, but Joshua Brandt has no way of knowing this as the German he took
in high school has been forgotten through disuse.
(9) Joshua Brandt is a vivacious and intelligent young IT professional,
educated for several years at a fine New England technical school, proud of
the systems he maintains for that school although he did not ever finish his
bachelor's degree.
(10) NEW HARDWARE
Today a new server has arrived. It will be installed and powered up for the
first time in the late afternoon.
(11) WIRING THE SERVER INTO A RACK. (ONE.)
Running the power cables.
[snip]
(With profound apologies to Pamela Zoline)
On Fri, Apr 21, 2006 at 08:35:17PM +0100, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
susumu wrote:
>
> On 21 Apr 2006, at 20:29, solipsistnation wrote:
> >
> >My parents tracked down some kind of fancy self-heating kettle thingy with a
> >powered base sort of thing. It clicks into place when you set it down and
> >heats, and then turns off when the water is boiling and sort of unplugs from
> >the base when you pick it up. It's very neat. I drink lots of tea when I am
> >home because it is so easy. My parents are enablers.
>
> If anyone was ever wondering what infodump-style science-fiction would
> be like when applied to common, everyday household technology - this is
> it.
(1) TEAOLOGY
That branch of metaphysics which concerns itself with the problems of the
nature of warm liquids typically consumed with breakfast or in the late
afternoon.
(2) Imagine a deep grey morning sky, almost blue but so grey that no
individual clouds are distinguishable. The earth may be rolling in its path
around the sun but no single source of illumination can be determined using
the cues provided by the sky. The undergrads awaken slowly, the grad
students add more lines to their dissertations, the faculty heave and
grumble in their unheated offices, and in the IT building electrons race
through channels carved in silicon and email is delivered, web sites are
viewed, and molecules are simulated in subatomic detail.
(3) Joshua Brandt thinks of his nose as too thin, although several women have
cherished it. The nose is long and performs a well-calculated geometric
curve, the arch of which is almost invisible from a distance but which
becomes obvious when observed from an intimate closeness; his name is
German; in grade school he was very bad at almost all sports, and, besides
being chosen last for the teams, was always made to play the most remote or
ineffectual of roles; he loves music best of all the arts, and of music,
Eno, Brian; he lives in Worcester, though he grew up in Oregon.
(4) BREAKFAST TIME IN FULLER LABS ON INSTITUTE ROAD, WORCESTER,
MASSACHUSETTS, THE SYSADMIN DEMANDS TEA
With bleary anticipation, Joshua Brandt dishes out a teaspoon of leaves into
his cup, already feeling the gentle buzz of caffeine and theophylline, the
comfortable drift of the day's tasks into focus. The kettle is a squat white
plastic object with no power switch which sometimes reminds Joshua of a
medical device. One cup.
(5) If one can imagine it considered as an abstract object, by members of a
totally separate culture, one can see that the electric kettle might seem a
beautiful thing. The hollow cylinder is nearly seamless and classical in
proportions. Its base is disproportionately heavy and conceals a heating
element. The cord is roughly three feet long and enters beneath the handle.
The lid flips up, inside is as smooth and white as outside. In the middle of
the bottom surface is a disc of metal covered with teflon or a similar
non-stick coating, upon which, when the kettle is filled and plugged in,
bubbles form and break free as the contents boil.
(6) There is one marking on the outside of the kettle, the words "Kitchen
Gourmet" embellished with the silhouette of a wooden spoon. This kettle was
acquired for less than five dollars at a pharmacy, it is unlikely that any
actual gourmets would consider using it.
(7) A notice embossed on the surface of the kettle states that liquids must
not be allowed to boil dry within it. So far this notice has been obeyed.
(8) The bottom of the kettle is embossed with safety and voltage
information. This kettle has been tested by the Underwriters' Laboratories
and was found to be safe for household use within the United States.
Markings in German imply that similar testing was done for international
markets, but Joshua Brandt has no way of knowing this as the German he took
in high school has been forgotten through disuse.
(9) Joshua Brandt is a vivacious and intelligent young IT professional,
educated for several years at a fine New England technical school, proud of
the systems he maintains for that school although he did not ever finish his
bachelor's degree.
(10) NEW HARDWARE
Today a new server has arrived. It will be installed and powered up for the
first time in the late afternoon.
(11) WIRING THE SERVER INTO A RACK. (ONE.)
Running the power cables.
[snip]
(With profound apologies to Pamela Zoline)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 03:48 pm (UTC)(I am doubly entertained as we just within the last week acquired an electric kettle with powered base, etc. It is, indeed, an excellent tea enabler.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 05:37 pm (UTC)But the electric kettle is nice too. I inherited one of the old-fashioned British coil-inside-the-kettle (no base) models with the house.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 10:43 pm (UTC)I actually just found that kettle again, after boxing it up to move and losing it in the process, which is what reminded me of this thing I wrote (or blatantly ripped off from Ms. Zoline, either way).
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 10:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 10:57 pm (UTC)My Chinese co-worker came back from a month in China with some delicious green tea for me. I have no idea what it is, but it's made up of individual leaves crumpled up into little balls, and has an astonishingly strong chrysanthemum scent. Luckily it doesn't taste like mums, but rather like wonderful smooth green tea with a little bit of floral overtones and some nice vegetal notes. Yes, I'm a tea wanker. This is some seriously good tea, though. It came in a sealed tin containing a dozen or so little tiny vacuum-sealed sachets, each of which contains enough tea for 2 or 3 cups.
Good stuff. Too bad I have no idea what it is...
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 10:42 pm (UTC)