Things I just don't understand

[solipsistnation]

So I was recently contacted by somebody I haven't heard from or seen in... 15 years?

It's very strange. I barely knew her then, but the person here is totally incomprehensible to me. Maybe I shouldn't go by myspace profiles-- they seem to bring out the worst and most tasteless in people. People I know to be pretty reasonable in real life have these blinding messes on myspace, so I don't think I can really hold that against a person (I know there are people on my friend list here who would disagree).

The way people self-identify is strange, though. What makes a person stop identifying as a _person_ and bring, for example, parenting to the forefront? Do you lose everything else in that drive to be A Parent? Similarly, I know people who are parents who who don't drive home that they are PARENTS to the point of excluding everything else that makes them people (and people I like). And how (here's one that really mystifies me, because I don't understand religion at all) does somebody identify as A Christian? Is that your LIFE? Is it _really_? I read a book about an order of monks who live absolutely austere lives; they eschew every modern convenience, every modern luxury and most archaic conveniences and luxuries as well. They live in a monastery designed to isolate them even from one another. I can say that these people live for God in a way that no suburb-dweller could ever claim.

And people who identify as Parents, is your LIFE your children? I guess I've seen this-- the baby is born and somehow consumes the brains of the people who bore it, and they stop being anything other than child-rearing units. But this doesn't happen to everyone, so clearly it's not built into our species. Your baby is fascinating, and I even like babies and kids and stuff (although again, I'm sort of mystified by them).

I guess I've just had a fairly scattered life-- I've never had anything like that sort of a focus (except maybe music, but that's still been pretty scattered). I've done a bunch of things-- written, read, played music, listened to music... And here I catch myself. Am I defining myself through my media? Through what I do? Am I a System Administrator? Not primarily, I'd say; I come home at night. I play video games, but I'm not a Gamer. I write (and have even been paid for my writing on a couple of occasions), but I couldn't claim to be a Writer. Maybe I'm secretly jealous of these people who have set a direction for their lives and can call themselves something. "I am a Christian Parent!" Are you? Good for you! I am... a guy. I have a girlfriend I'm pretty crazy in love with even after a couple of years. I was a womanizer, but now I'm a boyfriend, but I wouldn't say being a Boyfriend is my life. (Not that I'm likely to go back to womanizing.) I can't really claim to be a musician any more. My job is not my life; my hobbies are not my life. But you, person I haven't seen since I worked at the cannery-- you are a Christian Parent! Amazing! You have a direction, or two directions. Are they REALLY all that makes up your life? Do you have no hopes, dreams, fears, stupid lusts and crazy crushes outside that? Lucky you-- you're getting to skip out on a lot of pain and annoyance.

I guess I don't really believe that somebody could pick something like that and make it the focus of their existence. I think that online descriptions like myspace encourage this sort of thing. You're asked to list what you do, and you think, "Gosh, what DO I do? Well, uh... I raise my kid. And I go to church on Sundays." And now you're A Christian Parent. But then people who don't have any context have 2 dimensions on which to plot your life and your personality-- parenting and religion. Are you more than simply 2-dimensional? Of course! Except that now the internet knows you as the intersection of those two axes, a point on a very limited graph.

Eh. I'm not very coherent. I think that running into unexpected random people at the same time as having to update my resume and consider how I'll redefine myself in a new place has dropped me head-first into introspection and consideration of the person I am and who I choose to surround myself with. And I hope that nobody who reads my meanderings is offended-- I certainly have no intention of insulting anyone. (You'd know if I did. I wouldn't couch it in faux introspection.) And if you DO know who you are and what you want to do with your life, and are totally all set with that... Well, I'm very jealous. A little skeptical, perhaps, but jealous. Yeah.

Comments

[brynndragon.livejournal.com]

I suspect that rather than the focus of their existance, it is the focus of their persona. People generally feel more comfortable when they can pigeonhole each other (especially in this era of information overload), and some people respond by presenting pigeonholes up front. MySpace seems designed for just such a purpose, in fact.

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

Yeah, stophittinyrslf came home, read this, and said basically that. I think you're right, but still-- it's very odd.

[awfief.livejournal.com]

not true. You have no problem identifying as a geek. what makes you stop being a person and bring geeking to the front? You do it a lot and you like it. But more than that, you feel that somehow it defines you (partially). It does, to a degree, tell something about you -- you'd be more interested in the latest technology of a cellphone rather than the latest fragrance from Chanel.

People who identify as parents feel that it somehow defines them -- as someone who CARES about their children and makes them a part of their life. Children take a lot of time, period, even if 2 parents are actively involved. Honestly I'd find it a bit cold if a parent *didn't* identify as such -- the ones who don't, that I know, are actively fighting the "just because I have kids doesn't mean I'm not a person" stereotype....but we NEED more people to break that very stereotype....by identifying as parents and NOT having their children be their entire existence.

[archdukechocula.livejournal.com]

I think identity is deeply tied into language and self definition. Realistically, coherent individuality doesnt exist in any scientific way. Our brain is more or less a bunch of competing parts that try to outshout eachother for attention. To sort of organize that mess, we have to see ourselves has having a singular identity or focus, otherwise the facade of being an indivdual starts to crumble, which leads to questioning a whole lot about life. Generally, its far easier and more convenient to just explain our behaviors after the fact as being related to some particular identifier than it is to accept that, in essence, our personalities are at bottom random and meaningless.

[kiya]

Some people are All About Their Favorite Adjective. I get snide about this when I see it in polyfolks and call it "lifestyle polyamory"; a gay guy I know refers to people he knows who "wouldn't have any personality if they weren't gay" and cites that as the big reason he doesn't tend to get along with people who define themselves as gay guys; I see it in all my adjectives. It's one of those things that happens to some people, and I don't get it.

Some of it seems to have to do with 'this is my one special/weird/different thing, so it is the essence of me' logic. Sort of 'this is my one shot to be interesting'. Some of it, sometimes, is the pink fluffy stupid phase of falling in love -- same as new convert syndrome -- or what erispope referred to as "Bob Hates Peas", that sort of mentality where someone is entirely focused on their love object, leading to conversations like, "Oh, you're having peas with your dinner? Bob hates peas."

I don't know what it is that makes some people fold their social appearance up around a single trait. I mostly find it leaves me with the impression of them as 2-D, caricatures, the sort of bit part characters you see in comic strips who only show up to deliver their specific one-liner.

Oh, the really creepy thing about the Parenting Zombies? A lot of them are vicariously living through their children. Whether it's "I didn't have such-and-such when I was a kid, so I will provide it to my little darling whether or not it is desired" or "Child has accomplished award! This validates me as a human being!" or whatever else, there's this creepy entanglement in which a child's life is somehow about the parents. Freaks me the hell out when I see it.

On the subject of who one is and what one wants to do -- I'm kinda fuzzy on the former, very sure on the latter, and flail a lot at trying to connect up getting anywhere closer to making progress on the latter.

[quaintance.livejournal.com]

My college roommate has morphed into Christian Mommy. I know she would rather be defined as: "native gardener, Artist, hip hostess, Christian and mom" but the lack of support she receives from her spouse precludes a lot of the depth she used to have. I got their Christmas DVD a few years ago and EVERY photo of her was with her kids. Hubby was on ships, motorcycles, still having a life...

Kind of makes me mad and sad. And, as a single and searching woman who would like to be a mom, scared. I refuse to let my children swallow my identity entirely, though I realize they become a huge part of it.

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

I think that's a big reason why some women suddenly become Mothers (tm). They can't do anything else because they are the only one who takes care of the kids.

[greyarea.livejournal.com]

Interesting post, probably because I agree entirely. I've seen many people I know do exactly as you say; getting married, having kids, even jobs on occasion etc - thay can all seem to come to define them in a way that mystifies me.

It's not that I don't want to hear about what they do, about their children etc, but it's the way it becomes a sort of shell which you have to tunnel through to get to the real person underneath that I find so strange. I end up wondering who they're trying to convince about it - me, or themselves?

Ali and I have already said that when we have kids we're going to set time to do things just the pair of us - even if it's just one night a week, heading to the local for a couple of pints whilst my brother babysits (read: plays on the 360). I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing phrases like "Ha, make the most of doing [x] now, you'll never be able to do anything fun once you've got kids" etc etc. That's simply not true. You can't be so spontaneous, sure, but it doesn't have to be the end of days for everything not involving your kids.

On a simlar note, if I turn into a smug married after saturday, shoot me.

Oops, that turned into a bit of a rant. Sorry!

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

No worries. Rant away!

If you get smug, I'm sure somebody will be more than happy to come by and set you straight. Shooting will most likely not be necessary as we have other tools at our disposal, including but not limited to sarcasm, piss-taking, and simply staring at you blankly until you realize what a prat you're being and stop.

[amymarr.livejournal.com]

Ali and I have already said that when we have kids we're going to set time to do things just the pair of us - even if it's just one night a week, heading to the local for a couple of pints whilst my brother babysits...

My initial reaction to this is "good for you, and good luck." I know some parents who have managed to do this once their kids are older, but in the beginning, they're completely dependent on you, and to an extent, you on them. It's just biology - the way we're wired. My DH and I took our infant daughter with us on "dates" until that got too difficult to manage, now we just find time to spend together at home or through church activities - whatever works.

Parents who say "do x while you can" perhaps don't have the resources to do what you're talking about - date nights and kids are very expensive and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions that come with being a parent. :) Even though I have a reliable and free baby sitter (and that's a luxury that very few parents have, let me tell you), I can't afford to go out to dinner and a movie once a week with my DH. And while I'd like to take a trip to Hawaii with my DH, we simply can't do that right now - travel (with or without said child) is pretty much out of the picture until we have more income and fewer expenses, including putting money away for college.

I can see why people define themselves as a parent because that is the most important thing in my life right now. The fact is, my daughter needs me more than anyone or anything else currently in my life, and the people around me understand that. We tend to define ourselves by what we're doing at the time - my job used to define me, but no longer, because I became a parent, and that was more important.

Once you've walked a mile in those shoes, you'll probably understand better why people make the choices they make. Before I had my daughter, I didn't get it, either. :)

[kadath.livejournal.com]

If you're defining me, please refer to me as "The Bitch Goddess of Higgins Labs." Thank you.

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

That's better than "that chick who likes Star Wars," way back when... 8)

[profesor.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's so much a choice as much as it's the path of least resistance. I'm finding it's really hard to do anything that's not centered around taking care of your kid, especially during the first couple years when they are really dependent on you 24 hours a day. It's really tempting to drop everything else and just take care of your kids because that's one thing you can't drop. Not that it's entirely bad - a lot of problems with our society can be traced back to how kids are (not) raised these days, and getting more involved is good. It's also very fascinating to raise another human being and watch them grow. There's plenty of company in parenthood, too.

We are trying very hard to make kids a part of our lives, not the only part of our lives. But it's hard. This weekend we're trying to go an SCA event that's a 6 hour drive away, where the weather is supposed to be 50's during the day with a 50% chance of rain. We're not sure how to keep Aeryn comfortable in that weather all day, and it may cause us not to go (especially if she's sick, like it seems she's starting to be).

I also got contacted by someone I haven't seen in 20 years a couple months ago via myspace, and her page was plastered with pictures of her kids, too. What's up with that?

[gower.livejournal.com]

I don't know about all that, but I do know that my dumbest students will always use a construction like, "I'm the kind of person who likes pizza" instead of writing, "I like pizza."

So maybe there's some sort of linguistic trick of mind that wants to make you be a noun instead of apply an adjective, and you have to be smart enough to not fall into that trap.

[desertlover.livejournal.com]

Kind of like what gweepprefect said... some folks have a multitude of interests and activities, and it's tough to realize that not everyone is like that.

Some people really do have very limited interests and self-definitions.

I got really depressed about this a long time ago because the "What do you do?" question was the only common exchange of getting to know people, and I am/was far more than my daytime job.

Even now, when a new person asks me what I do, I lock up - do I tell them I'm a software engineer? Do I say I'm a disaster junkie? Do I say I like to hike and play computer games?

It's so much easier to just give people the answer you assume they can deal with the easiest.

Perhaps our "label" should be "Philosopher".

So, maybe I should check out myspace... I've never been.

[murph-grrl.livejournal.com]

I don't think MySpace lends to explaining who you are - you get a limited amount of space for that and, as pointed out, most of that is taken up with horrid & unreadable layouts, tons of photos, stupid videos, and whatnot.

We are, at times (online and in real space) asked to identify ourselves. Are we ever quite who we say we are? No way - most people are far more than that. But for those who haven't taken (or been given) the time to know a person, we need the buckets.

People will often define themselves by who they want to meet and befriend. Your friend may say she's a "Christian Mommy" because she wants to meet other people who are raising their children in one of the Christian faiths.

It's easiest to provide a snapshot of who we think we are at a point-in-time. I mean, "I'm a working mom who loves hockey and music" doesn't even begin to describe me. But it might have someone else go "Oh ... I love hockey! And I'm a mom! Interests in common! Hooray!" And then we can dive into the details.

That said, I find MySpace a weird space. It's a land of people I'm vaguely acquainted with (even moreso than LJ). And I don't quite know what to do with it.

[jon3.livejournal.com]

Eh, defining oneself is rather a waste of time, imho. A definition should be a constant value, and since the definition of who I am is constantly changing, why bother to try?